


i’ll find it, i must (find what?, you ask?) hope

by lumos_max



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Trans Character, Coming Out, Depression, Drug Use, Family Issues, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, Slow Build, Substance Abuse, canon compliant to an extent, dorky boys falling in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 07:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18988279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumos_max/pseuds/lumos_max
Summary: An exploration of Matteo continuously doing what he promised himself not to do long ago: hope.- an alternate s3 focused on Matteo's depression and his steps towards recovery





	i’ll find it, i must (find what?, you ask?) hope

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!! whipped this up out of nowhere and now I'm heaps excited to build this story up and see where it goes. you know how they say 'if you want it written, write it yourself'? well that's what I did. I haven't written fic in about a year so bear with me as we go along this journey together. 
> 
> Please heed the trigger warnings! they're there for a reason so please take care of yourself <3  
> This fic will be dealing with a lot of descriptions of depression, panic symptoms and self-medicating, based heavily on my own past and present experiences with depression, anxiety and substance abuse. 
> 
> Stay safe folks! Try reach out when you're struggling, know you matter.

**MON 04:50**

Night time turned into dawn, specks of light streaming through the open window of Matteo’s bedroom. The air was cold, soft drafts trailing through as the start to a new day began. The sound of people getting ready for the day, bowls being placed in the sink, car engines starting, all the while Matteo couldn’t feel the cold. He couldn’t feel much of anything at all.

Matteo twisted his head to look for the ash tray and found it too far to his right, far enough that he couldn’t just stretch out a hand to grab it. Overcome with heaviness, Matteo simply flicked the butt of his joint towards the ground, not caring about the spread of ash over the ground. He was technically outside at this point, his balcony a solace of fresh air and a glimpse into the outside world.

Matteo hadn’t left his house in 3 days.

He let out a shaky exhale as he lifted his head to squint up at the sky, pushing through the flash of burning pain as his eyes adjusted to the new light after another sleepless night. Matteo had been awake since 2am, unable to get back to sleep, tossing and turning, his thoughts overcome with a restless undefined panic. Feelings of dread and loss of control weren’t new to him, especially when it came time for him to sleep, but sitting up here on his balcony had slowly eased them to a barely there simmer, unlike the boiling force earlier.  

Once Matteo had started to feel the physical manifestations of panic overwhelm him, everything else had a habit of coming to the surface, making him spiral into the depths of his mind. His mom, Jonas, Sara, his feelings of utter fucking despair and how he’d never make a name for himself after he’d inevitably fail school. How he didn’t want anything, not anymore, he couldn’t, he really shouldn’t.  Hope had only brought him the worst, he’d realised.  He had hoped and hoped, wishing for so much, for anything, just so that he could breathe easier, to not feel so suffocated.

He’s tried to focus on school, has even gone to his study sessions with Amira. He’s tried to force himself to want Sara and he’s hung out with Jonas and the boys when he can, as well as participated in flat share meetings and dinners, by force of Hans. Being a person never felt so draining and so full at the same time. Matteo grew more tired as time went on, he’d been trying his best to just go through the motions but he could sometimes see the looks of concern his friends gave him. The whispered words he’d sort of overheard between them, especially the last time they’d all hung out at Matteo’s for a few drinks and Matteo, brain filled with fogginess, could barely feign any interest that night.

Matteo didn’t think much of himself as being an actor. He performed his life and how it was supposed to look like… how he was  _supposed_  to want it.

And maybe, yeah, he pretended to be okay so that his friends would leave him alone. There was the stress with his mom and his exams were coming up. These things were stressful and they slipped off his tongue as immediate excuses as they were easily accepted. Jonas especially, knew how hard things were with Matteo’s mom, knew enough to be the cause of a few shoved elbows and choice words to get Carlos and Abdi off his back. Only none of them were aware that those things were just the tip of the iceberg for what Matteo’s mind spun on the daily, draining his energy till his only desire was when his next hit of weed was going to be.  

The hum of traffic was louder and Matteo could hear noises from inside his apartment by the time his body started registering the cold. His fingers felt numb where they held the nearly dead joint in between them.  Numbingly, Matteo searched for the lighter he had stashed under his leg before bringing it to his lips to light up the last of it. He needed every bit of silence in his mind if he ever wanted to get through the next few hours of school.

 

* * *

 

 

**MON 09:12**

Matteo was late as he stuffed his books from his locker into his bag, blowing out cold air from his mouth as he hastily zipped up his bag up and closed his locker on the way to his next class. He never bothered with a lock; he knew he had nothing good enough for anyone to steal.

Still dazed from sleep deprivation was perhaps why Matteo didn’t notice his head colliding with the person coming around from the corner. He heard a sharp  _“ooof”_  and stumbled, hand pressed against his forehead to press back against the pulsing ache that emerged. As his blurriness receded, he noticed a couple of books on the floor, a figure clad in all black picking them up one by one and stacking them on top of each other. Matteo, flustered and apologetic, bent down to help with what was left and that’s when the person he literally ran into looked up at him.

Matteo suddenly noticed how dry his mouth was and swallowed hard. The boy was beautiful. His eyes were dark and he was wearing all black but Matteo was struck by how soft he looked. Then the boy smiled and Matteo could feel his heart race at a stupidly embarrassing rate, he only hoped he had the decency to close his mouth and wasn’t gaping at this boy, who looked wary as Matteo’s silence went on.

“I-uh- fuck man, I’m so sorry,” Matteo said to him.

The boy’s lips quirked up and as he surveyed Matteo, his barely there smile disappeared at whatever he must of saw. Matteo wanted to curl in on himself.

“Hey, nah it’s all good. I wasn’t watching where I was going either it seems,” The boy replied, letting out a small laugh before shouldering his bag and accepting the pens Matteo still held in his hand.

He started to turn away before he glanced back at Matteo, and Matteo felt his heart constrict and expand like a fucking balloon.

“Thanks…” he started, before glancing around the empty hallway, “Didn’t expect to be head butted this early though; the universe is sending me a message,” the boy joked, his eyes shining, and Matteo… Matteo couldn’t understand how someone could be this happy in the morning, especially after having someone like Matteo running into them.

Too worried about what to say, Matteo ended up not thinking through his words.

“Yeah,” Matteo teased as he mustered up a cheeky grin, “Guess uh - guess um … the universe wanted us to literally fall into one another… yeah,” Matteo finished haltingly, his body turning cold.  _What the fuck did he just say?_

The boy blinked at him a few times and then Matteo’s ears were ringing with the sound of laughter.

Matteo looked at the boy in front of him, his head thrown back as he laughed at the bad joke Matteo had been trying to make. He was beautiful and Matteo started to squirm, he wanted to know his name. It felt like such a long time since Matteo heard sounds that were that sweet and genuine for him, because of him. He couldn’t help but wish he could freeze this moment, savour it forever.

Matteo barely noticed when the boy stopped laughing.

The boy gave Matteo a look as he gained back his composure. He nodded to himself and said in a quiet mumble, “Yeah, maybe.”

Laughing boy then turned and started walking away backwards towards the direction Matteo came from, keeping his inquisitive eyes on him for far too long before spinning himself around and facing forwards.

Matteo was struck still as he watched the boy walk away and he felt a pang of yearning, yearning that he thought had cut off with Jonas in the past.

As Matteo was still standing in the same spot, he wasn’t able to miss the small grin the boy turned back to give him before finally turning the corner.  

 _Fuck,_ Matteo thought as he closed his eyes, banging his head back against the wall behind him.  _Fuck._

* * *

 

 

**MON 20:58**

Only hours after getting home and spending most of his time laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the boy he met today, the one with the laugh that people probably made songs about, had Matteo come to the realization that he never got to find out the other boy’s name.  

Matteo, in frustration, smashed his face into his pillow and groaned loudly. He was startled when a knock sounded on his door and he heard Hans pleased voice call out, “Ooooh Matteo! Do you have someone in there with you?!”

Matteo just groaned again as he pressed his face deeper into his pillow, drowning out all other noise.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading! hope everyone is taking care of themselves if you read this in its entirety. Pls annoy me about this fic if you enjoyed what I've posted so far, feedback is my writing food. I have a habit of quitting and not finishing things but Matteo and his story, and the potential to go deeply into his character is something really important to me and I'm going to try my best! talk 2 me @quidditchfrogs on tumblr if you'd like to drop by.
> 
> take care <3


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